1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,842 [grunting] 2 00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:08,884 Little help? 3 00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:10,344 No can do. 4 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,805 The C.I.A. Christmas party invite is coming any moment. 5 00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:16,100 Clicking "refresh" over and over won't make it come any faster. 6 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,643 - [laptop dings] - What was that, Hayley? 7 00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,146 I couldn't hear you over my inbox dinging. 8 00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,690 The party will be held at Scamper's East. 9 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,024 Yes, baby. 10 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,569 Ugh. That dumpy pub in Chimdale? 11 00:00:26,569 --> 00:00:28,612 Are you kidding? Scamper's is amazing. 12 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:31,949 Classy, too. The golf course there? Mwah. 13 00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,285 Miniature. Two holes. 14 00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:37,204 And one of 'em, half the AstroTurf is blue. 15 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,749 Blue and green, 'Zooka Sharks colors. 16 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:40,833 [man] 'Zooka Sharks? 17 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,501 Does that guy live around here? 18 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:45,463 Well, I'm sure you and Mom will have a great time. 19 00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:46,839 We'll all have a great time. 20 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,967 I was able to secure invites for the entire family. 21 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,802 - Even Klaus. - [Steve and Hayley groan] 22 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,095 Let's go! 23 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,556 So do we, like, have to go? 24 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,602 Big time. You must understand, I had a monster year at work. 25 00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,437 Special missions? I crushed 'em. 26 00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:03,397 Boring meetings? I plussed 'em. 27 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,734 And I went undefeated in our fantasy football league. 28 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,403 The Christmas party is my personal victory lap, 29 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,822 and I want my family there to enjoy me. 30 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,532 That's wonderful. 31 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:16,577 Now you can close your computer and decorate the tree with us. 32 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,079 Better idea. Let's prepare for my work party. 33 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,916 I'll make flashcards of my accomplishments this year. 34 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,042 There were a lot! 35 00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,419 - I bet. - We should also talk outfits. 36 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,713 I recommend something festive, yet quirky. 37 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,591 Oh, God, Hayley, you're not thinking of wearing that to the party? 38 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:35,304 You mean the party I just literally heard about 30 seconds ago? No. 39 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,806 [all] Phew! 40 00:01:36,806 --> 00:01:38,891 [♪ theme song playing] 41 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:42,269 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 42 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,898 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪ 43 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,943 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 44 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:52,696 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪ 45 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:58,452 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 46 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,996 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 47 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,081 [Roger] Ah! 48 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,877 {\an8}[chorus] ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 49 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,130 {\an8}[Stan] Look at that marquee. This is already great. 50 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,423 {\an8}Get in here, everyone! 51 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:12,883 {\an8}When we get inside, 52 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,302 {\an8}Klaus and I will fill mashed potato cups for everyone. 53 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,138 {\an8}Francine, the open bar lasts 45 minutes, 54 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,807 {\an8}so order me two Moscow mules. 55 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,892 {\an8}Hayley, head straight to Big Buck Hunter. 56 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,144 {\an8}Don't let anyone touch the plastic shotgun 57 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,396 {\an8}until I break the high score. 58 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,981 {\an8}What about me and Steve? 59 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,691 {\an8}Great question, Jeffrey. 60 00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:31,151 {\an8}Play mini golf and listen for what people are saying about me. 61 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,196 {\an8}Report back with the buzz on the links. 62 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,198 {\an8}Hot dog buns looking good this year, Tommy. 63 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,491 {\an8}Who's Tommy? 64 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,827 {\an8}He's executive chef/bouncer here at Scamper's. 65 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,997 {\an8}Kind of a dual threat. I actually don't think that's Tommy. 66 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,957 {\an8}Interesting. 67 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:49,378 {\an8}I've never seen whatever this is served in a souvenir batting helmet before. 68 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,338 {\an8}Whoa, I just remembered something. 69 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,632 {\an8}Last year, at this very party, 70 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:56,510 {\an8}I carved my name into one of the toilet seats. 71 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,762 {\an8}Dang, you think it's still there? 72 00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,141 {\an8}Fischer takes his time. 73 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:05,477 {\an8}He looks pretty high and he is. 74 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,942 {\an8}Stop looking back. It wasn't us. 75 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:18,032 {\an8}I see it! "Stan... Smit"? 76 00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,867 {\an8}Some dude started knocking. 77 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,368 {\an8}I'm gonna finish it now. 78 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,870 {\an8}[man] Scamper's East blows. 79 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,705 {\an8}We should leave for Bullock's party. 80 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,998 {\an8}Bullock's party? 81 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,875 {\an8}- [urinating] - Amen. This place is for riff-raff. 82 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:31,378 {\an8}I heard Bullock's party has a 10-foot shrimp scampi tower. 83 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:35,758 {\an8}Bullock's throwing a secret party the same night as the C.I.A. Christmas party? 84 00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:38,344 {\an8}Stiles says he's already at Bullock's house. 85 00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:42,640 {\an8}Holy cow. He's playing cornhole with Ghostface Killah and the Golden Bachelor. 86 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,184 {\an8}No freaking way! Did they come together? 87 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,393 {\an8}Let's go find out. 88 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,145 {\an8}We can finish peeing at Bullock's. 89 00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:57,655 Sorry, I drank both your mules, 90 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,990 but these drinks are basically water. 91 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,825 Yeah, I said it. 92 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,118 Do something. 93 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,829 Stan heard some devastating news in the bathroom. 94 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:09,083 Thank God the town got rid of that suicide hotline. 95 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,085 Otherwise he'd be on it all night. 96 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,920 A Blue Moon for my boy Stan. 97 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,505 Open bar just ended. 98 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,049 That's fine. How much is it? 99 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:18,759 - Twelve bucks. - Forget it. 100 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,427 I think I just got tetanus. 101 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,263 A lot of exposed nails coming through the floor. 102 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,556 What's wrong with Dad? 103 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,392 Turns out there's a better party at Bullock's, 104 00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:30,062 but Stan only got invited to the riff-raff party. 105 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,772 ♪ Yo, listen up!♪ 106 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,733 ♪ Here's the story about a little guy ♪ 107 00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,319 ♪ That lives in a blue world ♪ 108 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,279 ♪ And all day and all night ♪ 109 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,283 ♪ And everything he sees is just blue like him ♪ 110 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,703 ♪ Inside and outside ♪ 111 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,621 I say we crash Bullock's. 112 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,289 Let's go home, Stan. 113 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,374 Home? 114 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,793 [singing continues] 115 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,298 I agree, Steve. I thought that busboy was very handsy. 116 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:02,177 Now that that's over, we can finally decorate the tree. 117 00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,180 Stan, where are you going? 118 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,647 I'm going to Bullock's [bleep] party. 119 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,107 I knew you'd come. 120 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,067 Got this hog all ready for ya. 121 00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,820 [battery slowly powers down] 122 00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,822 Out of juice already? 123 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,700 Don't worry, there's actually another scooter nearby, 124 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,494 but it's in Tuttle's garage. Also, he owns it. 125 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,496 So we'd be stealing Tuttle's scooter? 126 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,875 {\an8}Essentially, or we could just take your car. 127 00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,334 {\an8}[both] Hmm. 128 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,671 [Al] And that's the night my scooter got stolen. 129 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,798 [♪ jazzy Christmas music playing] 130 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,847 [Klaus] Bullock runs a tight ship. 131 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,849 I never get invited anywhere. 132 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:53,270 Which makes me an expert at sneaking into events where I'm not wanted. 133 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:58,025 I once snuck my Pomona boys into Adam Driver's Golden Globes party. 134 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,526 - Okay. - To be fair, 135 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,862 this was years before Adam Driver got famous. 136 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,031 Damn it, Klaus, what's our plan? 137 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,867 I'm Tom Hanks. 138 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,244 I'm Colin Hanks. 139 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,455 I'm Hank Azaria? 140 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:13,999 For Christ's sake, Smith, what is your problem? 141 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:18,087 My problem is you didn't invite me to your Christmas party. Why not? 142 00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,547 Okay, I'll level with you. 143 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,425 The fire marshal is a real hard-ass. 144 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:27,054 He gave me a firm cap of 500 guests. 145 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,097 Five hundred? 146 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:29,973 It's ludicrous, I know, 147 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:33,435 but maybe you'll make the cut next year. 148 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:37,898 Hank Azaria, Mr. 500! 149 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:41,110 Where are you? I'm literally outside. 150 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:43,403 I think I have a way in. 151 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,365 Me, "shut up"? No, you shut up! 152 00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:47,866 [clears throat] 153 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,869 Hold on. Some guy with a chin is saying something. What? 154 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,623 I overheard your conversation and it sounds like you need a date. 155 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,583 I happen to be in need of a wristband. 156 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,378 Perhaps I could be your plus one for the night. 157 00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,130 [sighs] Fine. You seem normal enough. 158 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:05,175 You can be my date because my husband's an asshole! 159 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,974 - Sir, for the last time-- - Ka-pow! 160 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,017 Oops. Ka-blam! 161 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,854 Flawless reveal, sir. Enjoy the party. 162 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,399 I'm Tom Hanks. 163 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:21,733 Welcome, Mr. Hanks. 164 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,237 [♪ jazzy Christmas music playing] 165 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:28,866 [camera shutter clicks] 166 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,911 [guests exclaiming] 167 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,793 It's a winter wonderland. 168 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,420 The shrimp scampi tower. 169 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:45,757 I can smell the garlicky butter cascading from here. 170 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,467 It's beautiful. 171 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,762 Don't skimp on the scamp! 172 00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,931 Hey, Stan, meet my new friend, 173 00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,976 All-Pro wide receiver Stefon Diggs. 174 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,187 Jackson told me all about your fantasy football team. 175 00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,772 Then I was like, "Wait, I was on that team?" 176 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,901 Office champions! We did it, bro. 177 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,904 I have a spare football in the car. 178 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,156 Feel like tossing me a few long bombs? 179 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:13,202 Nuh-uh. You want to keep that wristband? 180 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,496 You better not leave my side all night. 181 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,539 But Stefon Diggs-- 182 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,333 But Stefon, nothing. 183 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,961 Order me three shots of Tito's while I stretch out my hammies. 184 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,256 We're about to set that dance floor on fire. 185 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,382 [groans] 186 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,176 Maybe we should leave. 187 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,886 What are you talking about? We just got here. 188 00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,223 There's something about your date that gives me a bad feeling. 189 00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:37,434 We should try to find some coke ASAP. 190 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,979 We're not going home. 191 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,981 I'm sure everyone is sound asleep by now anyway. 192 00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:47,778 Dang it! Dad knows I can't sleep unless I know everyone's safe in their beds. 193 00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,239 - [door opens] - You guys left Scamper's? 194 00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:52,282 I was holding down Big Buck Hunter, 195 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,868 as instructed, and all the lights shut off. 196 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,454 What? We didn't break the golf course. 197 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,667 I love you all so much. 198 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,753 Now, who is ready to rock? 199 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,755 [guests cheering] 200 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,550 Good, because this band can really rip. 201 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,053 Ladies and gents, I give you 202 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,139 Kris Kringle and the Naughty Boys. 203 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,225 [Stan and Klaus] Santa? 204 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,726 He's in a band? 205 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,062 I trapped Santa in the freakin' Jingleverse. 206 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,897 - Guess he got out. - You think? 207 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,315 Check, check. 208 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:26,775 [grunts] 209 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:29,069 He's got those weird Jeff Bezos muscles! 210 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,404 He'll kill us, Stan. 211 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,863 Ho ho ho! 212 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,157 This first one's off our new EP. 213 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,786 It's called "Nasty Christmas." 214 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,038 [♪ metal music playing] 215 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,165 ♪ I left your Christmas presents underneath the [bleep] tree ♪ 216 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:46,003 ♪ A gift card to Sephora because your face looks dead to me ♪ 217 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:49,256 Damn, this goes kind of hard. 218 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,425 - I need to use the bathroom. - No, you don't. 219 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:54,761 You don't understand. Santa and I have a history. 220 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,930 Join the club. I'm his wife. 221 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,599 - His what now? - His wife. 222 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:03,603 Clarissa Claus? I married that son of a bitch. 223 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:07,065 Oh, my God! You're Mrs. Claus? 224 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:11,194 We're gonna make Santa real jealous tonight. 225 00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:19,161 Stan, we need to get some shrimp scampi and get the [bleep] out of here! 226 00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:20,954 [grunting] 227 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,958 {\an8}- Smith! - [music stops] 228 00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,753 Keep playing, Santa. 229 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,464 My face is only partially melted. 230 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:34,009 You promised me you wouldn't invite Stan Smith! 231 00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:37,721 I assure you, Smith is not here. 232 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,473 [Clarissa] Yeah, he is. 233 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,516 He's my date. 234 00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,268 - [guests gasp] - Wow. 235 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:45,520 - This is-- - Don't you dare say "awkward." 236 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,190 Awkward! 237 00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:52,652 Why are you doing this, Clarissa? And with him, of all people? 238 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:57,199 Remember when I called you from the gate because I didn't want to walk in alone? 239 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,868 I told you we had sound check. 240 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,995 You could have left for five minutes. 241 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,498 The levels on Nate's Stratocaster were all-- 242 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:09,211 So typical. Putting your stupid bandmates before me. 243 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:13,423 Stupid? Nate's an Anthropology major at UMass! 244 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,133 I am so over this. 245 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,511 Why can't you be happy for me? 246 00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:21,598 I've finally found something that gives me creative fulfillment. 247 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:25,268 Because you turned into jolly old Saint Dick. 248 00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,897 Well, I should also be-- 249 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,857 You did this, Smith. 250 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,110 You're gonna die tonight. 251 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,029 - [Stan gasps] - [♪ upbeat music playing] 252 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,782 [Santa yelling] 253 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,746 Smith! 254 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:47,624 [Clarissa] Get in! 255 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,253 I'm keeping the North Pole! 256 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,964 Good luck fitting 1,500 elves 257 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,967 into a studio apartment! 258 00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:59,219 I'm the one who drafted his team. 259 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,139 He wanted OBJ in the second round. 260 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,807 I mean, what year is this? 261 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,892 - [doorknob rattles] - Stan? 262 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,687 Nope. He ran off with my wife. 263 00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:12,816 She took the reindeer, so I need to crash here for a while. 264 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,235 Oh, I'm exhausted. 265 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,904 I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight. 266 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,073 You! White noise. 267 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,617 Um... [hissing softly] 268 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,663 [♪ dance music playing] 269 00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,004 [Clarissa snorting] 270 00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,213 [Clarissa] Whoo! 271 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,966 That North Pole snow hits different, y'all. 272 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,968 Hey, Chief, you wanna hit the slopes? 273 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,052 I want to sleep. 274 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,555 You know, it snows year-round here. 275 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:47,058 But we still have to import some snow from Colombia. 276 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,227 Solid joke. I've laughed every time you've said it. 277 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,396 But please, I can't party anymore. 278 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,106 I know exactly what you need. 279 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,108 A bloody effin' Mary! 280 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:59,070 Bloody Mary, yes! Bloody-bloody- bloody- bloody-bloody-bloody! 281 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,656 Bloody what? Bloody what? Bloody what? Bloody Mary! 282 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:05,827 So if you're here, who will deliver presents on Christmas? 283 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:09,456 Oh, I delegate that crap to my right-hand elf, Guffrie. 284 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:14,252 I work smarter now. I'm not in my early 200s anymore, 285 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:18,006 splooging big old wads of Christmas magic all night. 286 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,090 "Wads"? 287 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,468 I'm taking better care of myself now. 288 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,262 I started lifting. You lift, Steve? 289 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,223 - No. - Oh, man, you've got to. 290 00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:30,560 I'll hook you up with my amino acid guy. He'll find you some steroids. 291 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,147 With that frame, you're gonna get yoked. 292 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,816 Sorry to interrupt your midlife crisis, 293 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,402 but what the hell is that? 294 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,197 Those would be my dried-up contact lenses. 295 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,115 I wear dailies now. 296 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:48,578 When I'm about to fall asleep, I just flick 'em wherever. It's liberating. 297 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,331 I'm gonna kill your father. 298 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,208 Dad's still not home? 299 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:57,420 Damn. You're not worried he's, you know, up to anything with Mrs. Claus? 300 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,630 [laughs] 301 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,507 Your dad? Hell, no. 302 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,009 I got that shit locked down tight. 303 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,469 [cell phone ringing] 304 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347 This should be good. 305 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,016 - Hello? - Francine, it's me, Klaus. 306 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,476 We're in the North Pole. 307 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:14,646 Oh, I already know. Santa told me. 308 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,022 Santa Claus? 309 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,650 He said Stan ran off with Mrs. Claus. 310 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,777 That's not how it went down, Franny. 311 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,197 She dragged us up here, and she won't stop serving Bloody Marys. 312 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,240 It's a nightmare! 313 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,243 Right, that sounds terrible. 314 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,245 For your guys' information, 315 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:33,456 I'm letting Santa stay here till you get back. 316 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:36,167 Watch this. Oh, and, Klaus? 317 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,254 Mention that Santa sleeps without a shirt on. 318 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,881 Oh, those muscles. 319 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,426 [moaning] 320 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,886 Doesn't Santa look good, Hayley? 321 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:51,099 Oh, yeah, I'd take a bumpy ride on his Polar Express, 322 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,767 if you know what I mean? 323 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,227 I do. 324 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,646 [♪ dance music playing] 325 00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:59,524 Bloody-bloody-bloody. Sip the Bloody. 326 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,860 - Sip it! - [gags] 327 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:05,071 - [oven dings] - The weed cookies are done baking. 328 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,575 First, you bake them, then they bake you. 329 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,993 [chuckles] 330 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,537 Again, for the fourth time, that joke is hilarious. 331 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,459 Stan, I talked to Francine. 332 00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:20,295 She's pissed you ditched them for Bullock's party. 333 00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:23,214 And get this. She's letting Santa sleep there 334 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,299 In our house? 335 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,884 You haven't heard the worst of it. 336 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:28,219 Santa sleeps bare-chested. 337 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:31,097 He's got the whole family all horned up. 338 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,267 Come on. We're getting the hell out of here. 339 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,102 What are you doing with the decorations? 340 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,021 They're going back to the basement. 341 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:41,191 Your father ruined Christmas this year, so there's no point in decorating. 342 00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,026 But I love Christmas. 343 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,278 It makes me sad and happy. 344 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,780 Oh, now, wait a minute. 345 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,784 Stan may be a Grade A jackass, but it's still Christmas. 346 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,828 Why do you care? You're a godless musician now. 347 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,875 Duck, Mom! He's about to splooge wads! 348 00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:04,506 [♪ upbeat music playing] 349 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,969 It's good old-fashioned Christmas magic. 350 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,471 Splooge more! 351 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,890 It does look festive. 352 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,437 It's snowing, bitches. 353 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:20,980 [♪ dance music playing] 354 00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,950 [whispers] That was very fun. 355 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:33,827 Stan! Where'd you go? 356 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:37,747 I made us peanut brittle, but with ketamine instead of peanuts. 357 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:46,339 What's the deal with these reindeer? 358 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,592 "Chuck"? "Leon"? Where's Rudolph? 359 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,928 These guys don't seem like Santa's A-squad. 360 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,432 Listen, Rudolph. 361 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,184 One smells like a man, the other smells like a fish. 362 00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,352 Go! 363 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,020 [dogs sniffing] 364 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,982 - I don't know what to do. - Jiggle them or something. 365 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:06,901 [dogs barking] 366 00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,528 Oh, no, you don't. 367 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,365 She sees us, Stan. Go faster. Jiggle them harder! 368 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,033 Mrs. Claus is gaining on us. 369 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,827 Wow! She's got wheels, Stan! 370 00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:19,038 A lightning-quick first step and amazing top-end speed. 371 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,123 Nothing is working. 372 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,167 She's now outpacing the dogs, Stan! 373 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,502 Her gait is equal parts grace and power. 374 00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:28,381 She has long, galloping strides, like Seattle Slew! 375 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,217 On Leon, on Hank, on Rhonda and Frank! 376 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,510 [exclaims] 377 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,596 [♪ dramatic music playing] 378 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,478 You can just talk to 'em, Klaus. They're magic. 379 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:49,569 I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like being here. 380 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,697 Me, too. It's like a new chapter in our relationship. 381 00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,866 Can I ask you girls something? 382 00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:55,950 Shoot, Big Red. 383 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,037 Why do women hate music? 384 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,040 You'll need to be a little more specific. 385 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,583 I mean, Mrs. Claus. 386 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,879 Ever since I formed my band, she started acting all crazy. 387 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:12,175 She's always whining that I don't spend time with her anymore. 388 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,301 Well, do you? 389 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,385 Of course. 390 00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,137 I mean, not all the time. 391 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,430 I'm Santa Claus. 392 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,807 I'm a busy guy. 393 00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:22,143 I have to make my list, check it twice. 394 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,478 What about after work? 395 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,188 I usually hit the gym, 396 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:29,150 then band practice until 3:00, maybe 4:00, in the morning. 397 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,110 Then I wake up and do it all over again. 398 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,695 Come on, Santa. 399 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,781 You've gotta put in a little more effort. 400 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:38,326 Yeah, dude. Mrs. Claus is lonely, not crazy. 401 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,619 [screaming] 402 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:43,248 If you don't stop, we'll crash! 403 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,542 I don't care. 404 00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:49,504 I'd rather die than spend another Christmas alone! 405 00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:51,798 [both screaming] 406 00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:55,635 I have an idea. 407 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,596 You could include Mrs. Claus more in your life. 408 00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,807 Maybe she could run your social media. 409 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:01,975 That could work! 410 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,352 She's actually quite active on Facebook. 411 00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:07,522 Loves inspirational quotes, hates vaccines, 412 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:10,191 loves memes about hating vaccines. 413 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,609 [thudding] 414 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,903 [reindeer wheezing] 415 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,781 [door opens] 416 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,118 Leave my family alone, you roided-out bastard! 417 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,244 It's okay, Dad. 418 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:22,662 We're cool with Santa now. 419 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,038 We started a new chapter. 420 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,792 {\an8}- We did? - It's water under the bridge, Smith. 421 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,587 I need to apologize to you guys. 422 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,006 I never should have ditched you for Bullock's party. 423 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,382 Clearly. 424 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,968 I was so busy looking for love from everyone else, 425 00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:40,847 I forgot that all the love I need is right here. With you. 426 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:45,393 Okay, Stan, that sounds from the heart. 427 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,811 And we forgive you. 428 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,438 I'm okay. 429 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,899 But I don't think I learned any lessons. 430 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,942 [Clarissa groans] 431 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,360 My baby! 432 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,945 [grunts] 433 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,824 - Kris? - Sweet Clarissa. 434 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:03,161 I was so busy looking for love from everyone else, 435 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,414 I forgot that all the love I need is right here. 436 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:07,624 With you. 437 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:10,251 [Klaus] Santa straight-up stole Stan's lesson. 438 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,795 I decided to cancel the band's tour. 439 00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:15,381 I want to spend more time with you. 440 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,966 Oh, Santa. 441 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:21,012 I'm really sorry I slept with Stan. 442 00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,513 You did what? 443 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,765 You seem jealous. 444 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,059 Are you jealous? Tell me you're jealous. 445 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,310 Smith! 446 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,394 I didn't touch her. 447 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,980 [both grunting] 448 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,232 {\an8}What is with this weather? 449 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,069 {\an8}When I got dressed up to [bleep] last night, it was a low 50s. 450 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,820 {\an8}Now I look ridiculous. 451 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,156 {\an8}I thought we started a new chapter. 452 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,699 {\an8}That chapter is over! 453 00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:44,452 {\an8}In this one, you die! 454 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,996 {\an8}[♪ Christmas music playing] 455 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,296 {\an8}The American Dad. What a silly goose.